Blech... Yuck... Eww

Oh my God! This is so horrible! Mom and Dad got this bitter apple spray to put on stuff to get Harley to quit chewing everything in sight. Well, they sprayed some on my collar since she is constantly taking it off of me. Not only did it not prevent her from taking my collar, it got on my fur. Oh Lord, it's horrible, it's awful. This coming from a guy who licks his own butt! I can't get the taste out of my mouth... I've tried spitting, I've tried airing off my tongue... nothing works! I'm going to go find some mouthwash, maybe that will work.

Trivial Stuff

Mom and Dad have been home this week on vacation and we've been playing a lot of board games together. I especially like Trivial Pursuit 80s edition. The game is ok, the thing I really like is the Care Bear gamepiece... I always get to be the Care Bear. I always give it a kiss on the head before the game for good luck. I do pretty good at the TV questions since I watch a lot of TV Land and Nick at Nite at home. Music and Movies is a little more difficult for me. I have a lot of difficulty when it's my turn to read the history questions... all those names are so hard! I think I'm going to start watching ESPN Classic channel... that will help me with the sports questions so maybe I'll be able to win once in a while.

Christmas

I had a great Christmas. I spent the days before Christmas saving Mom's Christmas presents from her. I would lie under the tree and bat away her hand if she reached for a present. She didn't seem to mind too much but a few times I scratched her a bit too hard.

I got a lot of great presents for Christmas. My favorite is a polar fleece strip on a string that makes bird sounds when the wand is moved. It's great fun. Mom has been really good about playing with me. I also got some new catnip that was really good stuff.

I got Harley a new collar for Christmas. Dad did my shopping for me. I told him to get me a shock collar but he wound up buying a regular collar... but it's nice looking. I ordered a custom made tag for her too. It's bone shaped and says Harley The Magnificent on it... I did it sarcastically but she took it to heart and thinks that I'm just wonderful. She got me a new catnip scratch pad that hangs on a door knob.... I like it a lot.

Letters to Santa

I decided to send a letter to Santa today since I rethought what I really want for Christmas. I know he gets a ton of fan mail so I decided to draw a picture around my letter to make it more attractive so that maybe Santa would be sure to see it. I was feeling pretty good and in the Christmas spirit so I decided to help Harley write a letter too... I can't believe what she wrote... stupid dog!

In case the pictures aren't clear, here is my letter:
Dear Santa,
Here I am setting by my christmas tree. I have not climbed the tree yet. I have been a very good kitty this year. If it's not too much trouble I would like to receive the Lox'x club of the month as a gift. Love, Cosmo

Here's the stupid dog's letter:
Dear Santa,
Whatever Cosmo said I did, I promise it was not me, I was not there. I have been a wonderful puppy full of puppy energy. All I want for Christmas is a bed, maybe some chewys, oooh I know Three Dog Bakery, one of everything. After all I am worth it. Love and kisses.
Harley
P.S. Cosmo is a stinky cat.

So much for my Christmas spirit!

New Collars!!!

Mom has a friend who makes jewelry and she was at our house this weekend so people could come and see what she does. All those pretty rocks and strings I just had to check out. I wanted to buy a new collar to send to Slutty Girl Cat Two Doors Down so she'd know I hadn't forgotten her but Dad said I didn't have enough money. Oh well... I did have fun looking at the collars... and Tina was a really nice lady.

Tis The Season

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Mom says that Santa is always watching so I'm trying extra hard to be a good boy and be tolerant of Harley. I've been letting her nap on the bed with me.... which isn't so bad except for the fact that she slobbers! YUCK! I've also enlisted her help in watching under the tree. I've noticed that there are a lot of wrapped presents in the guest room but none under the tree... probably because Mom knows that Harley will eat them if they are under the tree... what's worse is Mom hasn't labeled any of them so I don't know which ones I need to accidentally extend my claws on.

Twas The Night Before Catmas

We went to see Santa today. He was the same jolly old guy I remember from last year. I know it's better to give than to receive so I decided that possibly if I asked him for something for someone else maybe he would do it.... so I asked him to find Harley a new home! HA! He said no, I'd probably miss her if he took her. So I asked him to bring me a shock collar for her -- "Dance dog! Dance!" Anyway, I digress from the original reason for this post. I was at Barnes and Noble the other day checking out the new Cat calendars... my cousin Octavio is Mr. June in the Classic Cats calendar... anyway, I found a book I just had to have... The Night Before Cat-Mas by Virginia Unser, so I thought I'd share it here. Mom reads this to me at night before I go to sleep.

The Night Before Cat-Mas
by Virginia Unser

Twas the night before Cat-mas when all through the house
not a kitten was stirring nor chasing a mouse.
The stockings were hung by the chimney with care
in hopes that St. Kittyclaws
soon would be there.
The kittens were nestled all snug in their beds
while visions of catnip danced in their heads.
Ma Tab with her whiskers and I in my cap
had just settled down for a winter's catnap.
When outside the house, came such a noise and such strife
so startled was I that I used up a life!
I jumped to the window and gave a small "mew"
I perched in the moonlight enjoying the view.
The sight of the snowdrifts so cold and so white,
made me purrfectly glad to be indoors tonight.
When, what to my wondering eyes did appear,
but a feline sized sleigh and eight tiny cat-deer.
With a little old driver so lively and fit,
I new in a moment he must be St. Kit.
So quickly they flew and with such grace they came!
Then Kittyclaws smiled and mewed out their names:
"Now Felix! Now Patches! Now, Mittens and Muffy!
On, Twinkle! On, Whiskers! On, Tiger and Fluffy!
Don't wake up the collie! Watch out for the wall!
Go on past the mailbox! And try not to fall!"
As kittens will punce on a fat ball of string,
tails all-a-tumbling, ready to spring.
So up to the door frame the felines all flew,
with a sleigh full of toys, and St. Kittyclaws too.
And then in a twinkling I heard by the door
The scratching and pawing of each little claw.
As I drew in my head and was turning around,
Kittyclaws came thoght the door with a bound.
He was dressed all in fur from his head to his feet
and his whiskers were sprinkled with flurries and sleet.
A bundle of toys he had flung on his back
and he looked like a peddler just opening his pack.
His eyes - how they twinkled! His whiskers - so merry!
His tail was so fluffy, his nose like a cherry!
His droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow,
and the fur on his chin was as white as the snow.
The stump of a pipe he held tight in his teeth,
and the smoke it encircled his head like a wreath.
He had a broad face and a round little belly
that shook when he purred like a bowl full of jelly.
He was chubby and plump, a right jolly old cat,
and I laughed when I saw him looking like that.
A wink of his eye and a flick of his tail;
I knew our stockings would bulge without fail.
He made not a sound; he was silent and swift.
Each of the kittens was given a gift.
He washed his paws quickly, and, twitching his nose,
he gave me a nod up the chimney he rose.
He sprang to his sleigh, and "meow"ed to the team.
They all flew away in the moonlight's soft gleam.
But I heard him meow ere he drove out of sight -
"Merry Cat-Mas to all, and to all a good night!"

I'm So Embarassed!

Mom got a new feather boa to put on one of the decorations at the house. Well, it was just too tempting for me so I played with it for a while... she got pictures. I'm so embarassed... I hope none of the guys see these. Of course, Harley had to play with it too.. dumb dog, tried to eat it... yuck!

It's A Wrap!

Well, I told you Mom's been shopping... which means I have to do wrapping! I do pretty good with the paper... there is the occasional claw mark but I like to say that's the "Inspected By Cosmo" seals of approval. I wrapped a ton of presents... my dew claw is soooo sore! Not to mention the adhesive stuck in my paws... but those troubles aside I think the packages came out looking pretty nice.

This Cat Has A Whole New Bag...

Actually... this cat has SEVERAL new bags. Thanksgiving is over and for Mom that can only mean one thing... shopping. For me that means NEW SHOPPING BAGS... the good kind... not the cheap plastic Target bags! She came home Friday with SEVEN NEW SHOPPING BAGS. I'm having a blast. Mom puts Harley outside and puts out some bags for me and I can hop in and out and knock them over and hide... it's so great. I got so carried away I didn't wait for her to empty the wrapping paper out of one of them before I climbed in!

Call the Crime Squad!!!

She's trying to kill me!!!! Harley got ahold of the scissors the other day and she was coming at me... I swear that dog has a screw loose! I wanted to call the police and file assault charges but Mom told me I was being a little dramatic. Um, hello! The dog is attempting to carve me into nice kitty filets and she thinks I'm being dramatic!!! Anyway, Mom should have listened to me, the no good dog ate Dad's eyeglasses last night... at least sue her for destruction of personal property!

I LOVE ART!

Grandmew-mew took Mom to New York for her birthday to see The Lion King. They had a great time (even though they didn't take me!) and saw a lot of neat stuff. Mom brought home a lot of brochures and I got really interested in the Museum of Modern Art. I saw some stuff by Andy Warhol... that cat is coooool! Anyway, I thought I'd look great Warholesque so here's my attempt to capture my fifteen minutes of fame (suitable for framing I think!)

Oh My Lord!

Can you believe this??? Harley actually graduated from puppy obedience class... give me a break... she had to have cheated on the final exam - she is NOT that well behaved. She definitely was not valedictorian of her class. Mom and Dad seem to think it's a big deal... she got a certificate and got her picture taken in that stupid upside down supper dish. I would not degrade myself enough to put that thing on my head!

On a lighter note... it's Mom's birthday today. I got her some Snoopy Christmas ornaments for the Christmas tree. I got her one that plays music when you hit a button because I love the music playing when I climb the tree. Grand-mew-mew came for dinner tonight and tomorrow she and Mom are going to New York. They are going to see the Lion King on Broadway and I want so bad to go too... these are my people after all! I tried to climb into Mom's bag but she caught me.

I think Dad and I should send Harley to the kennel for the weekend and have a man's weekend but he won't do it.

Happy Birthday Dad!

It's Dad's birthday. Harley says he's 294 in "dog years" - must be that new math I don't understand. I was always much better with words than numbers. Anyway... around here birthdays mean presents. I sat down with Mom and had a heart to heart with her about what to get Dad. I decided I wanted to shop at Outlaw - Dad's favorite cigar shop since Mom was getting him a new humidor. Well... of course Harley had to go along... ugh! Anytime I picked something she's scream "I was going to get him that!!!" Finally Mom made her stick to the cigars (which I had picked!) so I got him a new ashtray. It's so embarassing to shop with her! Everyone was looking at us. The good thing is Dad loved all of his presents. I am kind of ticked that he won't let me store my catnip cigar in his new humidor... it's not like there isn't enough space, and it would keep Harley away from it... oh well... it is his humidor so he makes the rules.

Now I've Seen It All

OK... so Harley loves to go places. Give her a chance to get in the car and she's gone. I myself prefer to stay home. It seems like something bad always happens when i get in the car. Well, last weekend Harley went to Dogtoberfest at Lake Jacomo. She had a pretty good time. Told me there were a lot of other dogs... oh goodie. This week Mom and Dad put her in a little Chiefs uniform and took her to the Plaza. When they got to the Plaza they went trick-or-treating at the stores! Can you believe that??? I mean, don't these shopkeepers have better things to do than hand out biscuits to a totally spoiled puppy. Apparently it was an event called Growloween... how cute! I take offense to Three Dog Bakery giving out free Scary Kitty Cookies... I saw it... it didn't look scary to me and I'm an expert in scary kitties. The little bitch came home with quite a haul. She must have gotten a pound of dog biscuits. Now, everyone knows Halloween is all about black cats... why not an event for us??? Meow-o-ween! Brilliant! They could give out lox and salmon and crab. Yes, that sounds like a wonderful event. Perhaps I can get Dad to organize it for next year.

Holy Shit Batman!

Literally... shit is the topic of this blog. I got a new high-tech litterbox. You should see it... it's so cool. I thought a covered litterbox was the end-all be all but no... this one is self cleaning. I step in, do my business, get out and 10 minutes later a little electronic arm sweeps away my mess. It's so cool!!! I thought that Mom got it for me just to make me feel special. And I did feel special... until I heard her tell Dad that maybe this would keep Harley from getting in my litterbox and bringing her presents. Um, hello! Why does everything have to be about that damn dog??? Give me a break people... she eats my crap! What can be so special about her???
I realize it's been a while since I've blogged but I've been so busy. For one thing... I have to babysit Harley all day... and do I get paid-- NO! Dad says I get kibble and that should be payment enough! There are labor laws in this country... perhaps he should become familiar with them. Then there has been my weekend job at the Ren Fest. That ended last weekend. I did pretty good... made a tidy little sum of cash and met a lot of great people. I think I'll do it again next year.

Harley is getting big... she's 26 pounds now... that's 2 of me! I can still hold my own against her when we wrestle but it's getting harder and harder. She's gotten into this annoying habit of taking my collar off of me and teasing me with it -- bitch! Mom always manages to retrieve it and put it back on me but it's the principle of the matter. It's mine, she should not be allowed to take it off my body for her amusement! She also figured out today that she is big enough to jump on the bed. Should make bedtime tonight a lot of fun... I'm the one who sleeps on the bed... NOT HER!

The Art, The Beauty...

I've taken up flower arranging. I love taking a heap of stems and making them into something beautiful. The art of it... the beauty... and when I'm done, there is something for everyone to enjoy! Of course, I have to make sure that Harley keeps her mangy little nose away... I tell you, that puppy is into everything! But alas, I digress, I think I'll go sit with my roses and relax for a while.

This is how the universe should be -- me on the couch... the dog on the floor!!! HA HA HA!!!

More Scrapbooking

Harley is locked up during the day so I've been able to catch up on some scrapbooking. I got this layout started but I need some inspiration to get it finished. Maybe if I lay here for a while I'll get a great idea.